You won’t believe what I’m about to say. We’ve all heard the stories about the Bermuda Triangle and we’re well versed with the unexplained goings-on in Area 51, but little to no attention gets paid to the unexplained supernatural paranormal activity that surrounds kids. It’s a real thing happening all around us everyday. I’ll discuss some of these objects and events that happen most frequently around my house.
The bathroom is able to summon children unto itself at certain times. Once the bathroom’s strange summoning powers have been activated, kids are unable to resist the urge. They will be drawn to the door where they will begin clawing, kicking, banging, jiggling the handle and screaming all in an attempt to get inside. Some smaller kids will even reach their arms under the door. The bathroom’s pull is very strong. Fortunately, this bizarre vortex is only activated if mom or dad go inside and close the door in an attempt to use the restroom in peace.
Kid’s ears have not fully developed and their hearing abilities have not evened out like they have in adults. Because of this, kids will experience periods when they cannot hear at all, immediately followed by periods of near superhuman hearing. For example: the other day I asked my preschooler who was standing right next to me to pick up his toys. He didn’t even acknowledge I had spoken, he had gone completely deaf. Then only an hour later while he was playing in the back yard an ice cream truck 3 miles away turned on its left turn signal. He heard that no problem and instantly asked me for money for ice cream.
Even food is unaffected by the mysterious force that follows around kids. When a child comes near food, especially sauces, syrups and anything that might stain, the food develops an irreversible magnetic pull toward that child’s clothing. The fancier the clothes the stronger the pull. If you have your child dressed for picture day or Easter Sunday you can almost guarantee this force will be too strong to overcome.
There is something unnatural and inhumane that begins to occur inside your infant’s bowels the moment you begin to run late for something. A child’s intestines can apparently sense when you are late for an important event and they wait until the last moment when you are about to run out the door to release. Somehow feces will reach up to the back of your kid’s neck. Their entire outfit will need to be changed and you will be an additional 10 minutes late.
Toys are able to regenerate desire within children and cause a child to want to play with them so badly they will yell, cry, hit and tantrum all in an attempt to once again play with a toy they seemed to have lost all interest in months ago. From what I have been able to determine toys are able to activate this desire by having another child play with them.
Some of the greatest miracle healings happen in children. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what triggers these miracle healings but some of the events that seem to precede the healing are: the morning school bus pulling away from the house, dessert being served and being allowed to get out of your bed and get into mom & dad’s.
Whenever a child puts on a pair of shoes, those shoes instantly begin to pull the child’s foot toward any adult’s foot who isn’t also wearing shoes. The harder the bottom of the sole of the shoe the more they are attracted to an adult’s exposed toes.
Freshly changed diapers have the ability to suck a poop right out of your little sweet baby. I have noticed over time that there is a distinct trend too frequent to ignore. A baby is almost powerless to resist the urge of a clean diaper and will often succumb to its powers and soil it.
Super Human Strength
If you read my post titled The Scary Truth about Kid’s clothes you know that clothes can be a nightmare, but it seems they can also endow your little joy with superhuman strength. Several articles of clothing have this power but I have witnessed it most often with long sleeve shirts. Those sleeves give my little infant such power in his arms that as a grown man I am often times unable to force his arm into the sleeve.
Phones also seem to have some sort of strange power over children. Answering a call seems to be the trigger by which kids lose their ability to regulate their volume, they lose their ability to play nicely with each other and generally just lose their mind. The more important the phone call is the stronger they seem to lose control.
Messes have the special ability to form magically out of thin air. The more children there happen to be in close proximity to each other the stronger the probability a mess will mysteriously form. Just the other day I walked into our living room where my four kids were sitting. There was a huge mess all over the place. I asked them who made the mess, they each said they did not make the mess. We were the only 5 people in the house. Creepy!
How about you? Have you experienced any of these phenomenons? Do you experience any I’ve left out? I’d love to hear about it!